Drove home to blue skies and sunshine.
Yep it happened again tonight. Took the milk from the fridge, put it on the counter. Poured my cereal (only carb today)
into my mug and preceded to put the milk back in the fridge. Only to turn around to grab a mug full of dry cereal before even realizing what I’d done. Thus tonight’s title. I also find myself angry and frustrated at my man calling me “Flash” as yet another heat wave rushes from my body. Or chuckling when I forget completely what I was talking about; you know how men are! Ha! Maybe that was the point I was trying to make the other night when I said Men! Oh (realizing I’d totally lost the thought) then stood there for what seemed like forever until Roger laughed and mockingly said “Men O Pause” falling onto the couch in hysterics! Yeah, yeah, any woman familiar with the “Change of life” symptoms are probably laughing their asses off about now.
Well, actually I’m laughing too. Today anyway. The last 3 months I hadn’t been. I’ve been feeling like a train wreck. Scattered, mind murky and out of focus. My body doing all this weird shit. Sleeping disrupted. Face believing it is 15 again (only this time the zits I never had, found me). Going weeks feeling like I needed to cry without release. Only to spend the last 2 weeks emoting over freakin’ dog commercials.
But walking in our woods these last few days has helped me to slow down and get centered again. Nature is my favorite connection and reminder of our Universal source of energy. I am so thankful we have these 7 acres to roam about. I realized there have been many significant changes in our lives besides menopause
- my oldest son remarried after divorcing 6 months ago
- my youngest son left for CA, followed by my middle son (who lied to us for a year that he had terminal cancer)
- our youngest son (Roger’s son) is graduating this year and we’re struggling with the reality of the completely empty nest
- I went from a full time/excellent paying job to part time at 1/2 pay
- we’re still adjusting to the financial fall out to that decision
- I’d been feeling so displaced, unnecessary, helpless to my grown children
- and did I mention resistance, yes futile resistance to processes I cannot control
- and lastly let’s throw in 2 months of holiday stress
So I decided to go back to disciplines that I know work in my life. Daily exercise. Reading more, less media. Yoga and mindful breathing. Lots of H20, swimming. Laughing out loud with Roger; how blessed I am to have such a comical supporter as my mate! Doing the 3 day cleanse, reminding my body and emotions who exactly is running my life…NOT THEM! And the biggie…may I have a drum roll please!!!!!!!!! I’m beginning to embrace the changes in my reality! No more glaring at them. No more whining or kicking and pleading. Hell! I’m even beyond a side hug with a pat on the back accepting them.
I decided today I’m gonna welcome every change with a bear hug. Hugs are awesome! Think I’ll go hug up with that man Oh ….pause, that’s TMI. But hey when DAY 361 Documentation goes so well and progress is made I can have some fun! At least there won’t be any babies…..just 3 minutes, a big fan, 2 trips to pee later in the night and sweet ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
One of the major accomplishments for me today was refraining from negative self-talk regarding not blogging yesterday.
I am recognizing this bad vibe which comes over me when I don’t achieve “whatever”. It is a tightening, an anxiety, a feeling of “less than” and now when it begins I tell it to take a hike. I made so much progress today even with Roger, my boyfriend being home as well. You ladies know how it is when your man is around. Our focus often wanders or we chose not to do what we would in their absence. Today was awesome. We did various house chores on our own, took breaks together and worked together on a few. I rearranged a few areas and have 3 bags for Goodwill.I just about completed my vision/quote wall and am prepared for my dear friend Lady’s visit in the morning.We are entering into an accountability adventure and are both extremely excited. I’ve always preached to my children the old adage:
“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail”. Imagine my self disgust when I realized that’s exactly what I’d been doing the last 3 months.
I may not have my full “Plan” written out; however I am making positive changes and steps towards my dreams each day.
I have not had a cigarette since New Year’s Eve
I have officially (ok its official after I go to bed) made it through 3 days of a liquid only cleanse diet.
I walked further with Duke today and once again spent time out in the woods. I wrote in my journal. I’m posting another blog and beginning to feel a good write coming on, other then simple documentation.
The best part is I’m feeling joyful again. Winter is so not my season. I’m a Summer all the way. Yet I’m discovering that if I get outside in my woods, even in the cold and grey, I emerge happy 🙂
Today’s Steps Forward:
- Recognized that staying up past midnight and waking at 8am leaves me groggy all day. Thus I’ll be in bed after this post.
- Did my morning Yoga DVD and discovered the fitness room carpet HAS to be cleaned!
- Walked Duke further then yesterday with very little pain in my knee.
- Got my new planner book set up.
- Sent out thank you notes (which is my kickoff to more intimate communication with my loved ones)
- Spent 40 minutes meditating/dreaming in our woods; aiming for a daily occurrence in any weather
- Said goodbye to my son Josh and his lady who head back to CA tomorrow
- Didn’t accomplish enough on my day off……HOWEVER I choose to focus instead on the good vibes generated and remind myself that a little progress each and every day makes dreams reality.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein
“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”
― Nora Roberts
Day 1 January 1,2015
Decided this week that what I’ve been doing in my life is no longer working. I’ve been in a rut like state of mind and I recognize the need to interrupt my rote patterns. So to welcome freshness and a resurgence for life, I choose to embrace change every single day. This will be a win/win for me as it will bring me to my blog every single day, forming a needed discipline. I look forward to where this challenge will take me. So here’s today’s steps forward:
- We ate Chocolate Captain Crunch in the living room while watching 22Jump Street this morning. An odd way to start New Year’s Day.
- I went grocery shopping this afternoon (Thursday) when I’ve always gone on Friday; PLUS it was New Year’s Day, also weird. The upside is I’m off tomorrow and have NO errands and the stores were empty at 3 PM today 🙂
- We actually ate the “traditionally lucky” southern New Year’s meal of pork, black eyed peas and greens for dinner.
- I’m writing this at 11:46 PM when I’ve always sworn my best time to write is first thing in the morning, which is probably accurate, but oh well I’m embracing change right now!
Ah yes, I feel a shift already! I’m smiling because my fingers are flying across the keyboard and words are once again leaving my head and going out into the Universe. Been a long time coming and I’m tightly hugging this change.
I believe it’s gonna be a Happy New Year!
That’s what I said! Just me, my dog, 3 cats and a bearded dragon sitting at the puter; fingers dancing across the keyboard in only a thong.TMI is what you’re all thinking but hey I’m challenged to write whatever is in my head for 10 minutes and I was in a thong when I opened the damn page. That’s the beauty of writing you can do it whenever, however in whatever the fuck you’d like to wear. Ah but all that nonsense isn’t the why behind my rush to do this assignment. I haven’t blogged in 3 weeks all because of FEAR (which of course is only False Evidence Appearing Real) but let me tell you, it was real for me. I actually had momentum going and was writing consistently. Then I got nominated for my 1st Blogger Award. I was so excited! So excited that I completely froze up! Then I started back on that negative cycle….oh you’ll never write that book, why would anyone nominate you anyway, you never complete your writing goals, you haven’t replied now the Blog community will think you’re a douche! Holy shit, I really was deep in it wasn’t I?? Been thinking all week how it seems like every limiting belief, every self doubt, every piece of low self esteem has risen to do war with me since I began my blog FREE2justB. Then I had this ah-ha moment. All this old crap is coming up so I can truly BE free to just BE! I have been my own worst enemy all my life and this 30 year journey of discovering my true self has been quite the trip. I have learned so much and would go through every bad choice all over again. I am so close to sharing that journey with others through my book. I believe I will offer a ray of hope to those who long to quit pretending and just be real. This whole Blog blip has simply been yet another opportunity to put my beliefs into practice.
So there you have it.
Sitting in a thong.
Thrilled and appreciative about this blogger award.
No I haven’t responded YET.
NO I’m not a douche.
I am simply exercising that I AM FREE2justB
Yes, days are becoming cooler and shorter.
The leaves are full blown turning and the strip tease begun.
Wood has been chopped and stacked. The wood/kindling boxes filled. We’re working on our Autumn/early Winter ongoing project, the GB kingdom (the trails in our woods so named by our Gbs). Summer clothes have been stored and sweat shirts hang in wait. Yes. All the common seasonal changes have been occurring. This month has also been a maze of sadness, happiness; revelations and release. Many milestones were marked within our family. Our oldest son Tory asked his girlfriend to marry him; our middle son Clayton left for CA where he met up with youngest son Josh who left in May. Indigo our UK GB turned 8 and got her ears pierced. Cash our youngest, a senior now, got an A in his 1st college credit class AND got his 1st speeding ticket. I am cancer free for a whole year this month. Tory also moved into a new house with KB and got kids goats and rabbits. My best friend Lady finally got word an apartment is available and will be moving back here soon. I took on a volunteer position reading to kids at schools once a week. Our former daughter-in-law turned 30 and found out her baby is a boy (that is another whole story). And I began teaching Seniors (subbing) weekly, sometimes multiple times, water aerobics at my rec center job. That my friends, is a whole lotta change! Yet the best part has been the progress within my personal life journey this month. Unfortunately the chchchanges in my schedule will cause me once again to close, for now and will share next time.