The outcome will take care of itself.
I’ve known for years I’ve had it in me. I guess it just wasn’t priority. My MO is when I get uncomfortable enough in a situation, my priorities change. I’m currently in a new “uncomfortable” mode. Not the threatening uncertainty and chaos like most of my past. No, this is a gnawing continuous desire or challenge; depending on the days’ perspective. It too has always been therelatent, remaining at bay, waiting patiently for the time to finally become the priority. Funny how reaching a level of contentment you never thought possible; will evoke thosedormant pieces, alive yet untapped. So if this day is the discovery of uncharted territory; then let the adventure begin!
Being a late life bloomer, I’m convinced and fully believe I’ll live to at least 100. If there is one thing I DO have it’s survivor skills. Now, utilizing those skills in fresh innovative ways will be my challenge. But that ascent is still fairly futuristic. Any new adventure and challenge of my will always begins with the thoughts. Oh sure, I’ve had these thoughts before; but they have always been squelched by the necessity of the time period.
In retrospect I’ve noticed that everything has been barreling down to this target point. All else in my life, has been completed or moved out of the way. My last mental hurdle is shattering as I type.
I now realize that it is NOT selfish to pursue my own personal dreams. Nor do I need to carry guilt about the choices I’ve made any longer. Coining the phrase used by Brian Kelly (a former work supervisor) my life “Is what it is.” No going back. No ruminating like a fucking cow over all the mistakes and consequences. All that behavior availed me was a colossal waste of precious time. And at 55 healthy years old, time is an extremely precious commodity. So in the words of Bonapart:
“Circumstances?! What are circumstances? I create my own circumstances!”.
IT IS TIME TO CREATE!
The preface of this new focused adventure were rather morbid thoughts of:
- Will I be remembered for anything when I’m gone?
- Will my children ever think highly of me?
- Will I struggle financially until the day I die?
- Will relational, financial and emotional security always evade me?
- Will I ever make something of my life?
Oh yes, I am so ready to crush the weighty rocks of contemplating where I’m at, to free the flow of where I am going…to see fulfillment of the visions in my head.
You see, my life has been a tapestry of dark and bright colors; every step of the way a charted course allowing me to become who I am right now. We all hold keys of enlightenment for others to grasp and rise out of their mire into new levels they never thought possible. This accomplished solely with an encouragement from our own lives. As pretentious as I’ve thought that was, I am so compelled to pen my tale I can hardly stand it anymore. Perhaps it is just a self-healing. Or a legacy to leave for my children, GBs and the nation I call mine. Sure I would like to think that it will be “all that” AND a national bestseller to boot; but when a desire becomes this strong I generally find a way to accomplish it.
Right now I am probably the most content I’ve ever been in my entire life. I actually have self confidence, a task which has taken me over 40 years to obtain. I am utterly and completely secure in who I am, whose I am and where I’m ultimately going. My spirit is experiencing freedom that I haven’t had in 31 years of walking with the Lord. He has given me a man who loves Him, prays with me daily and is one smokin’ hottie! How we got together, well that is a chapter in itself. I thoroughly enjoy the close relationships that are developing with my adult children and GBs (grandbabies). I’m within 25 lbs of my goal weight and the healthiest I’ve ever been. I have and will continue to face personal physical challenges, pushing my body to very cool limits. My spiritual enlightenment continues to broaden and the ability to manifest is blossoming. I’ve discovered I am one passionate individual and truly like who I am.
However, since finances have an incredibly huge impact on most everything else, I must rise up to a new level and I must remain diligent and keep writing until change comes.
I must hold onto the vision of complete unity within my nation, down to the very smallest detail and continue to speak it into existence. I must daily trust that our Source has my relationship with Roger in His hands and drink in every moment with gratefulness. And I must follow this unsatiable desire to write down my life story. Only the Universe knows the outcome and I trust I’m in most excellent hands.
So I will begin at the beginning. I will be as honest as I can. Please keep in mind that this is solely my perspective. Those involved in the unfolding as I present it; may have a completely different take on the same story. I only own my experience and mean no intentional harm to anyone mentioned. It merely “is was it is” as witnessed through my perspective and how it affected only me.
First and foremost to the lover of my soul, who accepts me just the way I am and challenges me to be more like Him/Her each day
To my sons & daughters, my absolute best accomplishment in life. May this give you insight just where and when you may need it
To My Roger, who helped set me free to be the person I am now
I love you all