Archive for January, 2015
I am a fireman. Running a marathon through a field of rotten crops. Crops planted with poor decision seed, bad relational seed, and a small handful of selfish seed. The good seeds choked by years of accumulated weeds. Weeds that believe they will overcome this fireman. Running, running, always pushing, always winded. With the flames of consequences ever lapping at my heels. I run in the heat. I run in the rain. I run in the snow. I run with a painted smile on my face. I run with an attitude sometimes full of hope and joy, happy to just run the race. I run some days with dread and foreboding hounding my heels threatening to over take and swallow me up. But run I must. This fireman mustn’t stop. This is a marathon I must finish, in spite of weakness; through doubt and resentment, this fireman mustn’t stop. There are, however, frequent pauses to turn and quench the fires raging with small appeasement payments. The fire is never satisfied. It roars MORE as it’s heat increases. It’s never enough, no it’s never enough no matter what this fireman does. So I pull up my boots, firmly hold the water hose and spray. Then run, this fireman runs harder. Sweat pouring bitterly out every pore. Desperate to reach the end of a field that seems to stretch to eternity. Hot voices, raspy from the heat, whisper in my ears, through headphones that can’t be removed. Constant static. Always there. Often bumping so loudly my ears bleed and the tears roll down my scorched cheeks. Volume controlled by my faith level. Some days the songs of praise and thankfulness drown out the nightmarish sounds. It seems just when this fireman wants simply to let the fire consume and end this life sucking marathon; the volume ebbs and sweet relief, like a salve is miraculously applied. It is poured over my head, precious balm of Gilead, and soothes and comforts the wounds of battle. Then there are the foxes. Foxes running on each side. Foxes with flaming tails labeled regret, resentment, blame, jealousy and anger. These are the baby foxes. There are also Mom and Pop foxes called Fuck It and Just Give Up. But a fireman mustn’t ever look to the left or to the right. NO! Keep on running, keep on spraying, stay strong little red fireman, stay strong! For there are hurdles in this field up ahead. Blockades of pity to climb. Barbed wire that scratches and screams, “You’re the only one that sacrifices! Why keep sowing good seed when you KNOW us weeds will choke you! Idiot!” “NO!” I shout back. Good seed must be carried and spilled as I run. For this fireman catches glimpses of those tender green sprouts. This fireman knows fields of glory and freedom are ahead. It is the foxes I’ve let crawl up my calves and plant their claws in my back that must be shrugged off. This fireman cannot be encumbered by unnecessary and deadly weight. Spray and sow. Run. Praise. That is the marathon firemen theme song. That is the hymn I have no choice but to turn it up. Precious rain does fall, but often this fireman forgets to look up and have my parchedness quenched. It runs down to the burnt ground leaving the Fire Chief shaking His head, His hands tied. There are warrior firemen you know. They would help my little red fireman if she would but call on them. They would come in an instant with powerful Word sprayed at those foxes.
“She’s sowing seeds of time and effort into young GBs and developing teens,” they might yell.
As the foxes attached to those she loves scream back,
“Just give me that seed and shut up!” Seeds of doing for others even when they have no thought of her!” they counter. “Stupid bitch! They will only call when they need something…hahah!”
The battle would rage but my warrior fire angels would continue to battle alongside her.
“Our fireman sows when others want to squander their seed not realizing our little red fireman sows for the good of an entire nation.”
“She’ll give in! She can’t keep up the race in those threadbare clothes. She’s made of flesh…flesh that wants things too!”
Oh my little red fireman often forgets she is not alone. No never alone.
“Look up!” The Fire Chief whispers.
“Stop at the next water station and drink in some new life. In this world, little fireman you will have struggles, but remember I have overcome them so you too can be an overcoming little red fireman. So take courage,” says the Fire Chief,o
“Run happily, continue to sow and that field of beautiful flowers will soon be on your horizon.”
I am a fireman.
I often wake up inspired, full of creativity, only to allow mundane thoughts to cloud up my shine. Feeling urgency well up in my spirit, I’d think to myself, “I need to write this down”. Then the other voices would begin their banter. “Yes but first you need to……” do all sorts of important stuff like:
- load the dishwasher
- sweep up around the woodstove
- straighten throw rugs our newest kitten keeps attacking
well now, you get my drift. Many days little self induced “I must” tasks would completely obliterate my creativity. Other days, I’d make it through the unimportant tasks and actually make it to my writing nook. I’d slide out the keyboard, anticipating a fresh clear flow of words, proud that I finally cleared away all my “have to’s. But alas, instead of immediately going to one of the 3 books I’m writing or even to my blog I ‘d get sucked in by another barrage of super crucial and worthwhile endeavors like:
- checking my e-mail
- clicking on MSN gossip tidbits that scream from the bottom of the screen
- seeing who’s on FB
- or checking our bank balance which I already know hasn’t changed.
Yep, sullying up my own shine! I don’t know ’bout ya’ll, but I classically spend the last couple of weeks of December reflecting and projecting on my life. Oh yes, I’ve been one of the lofty goal makers. I’d pine over that didn’t’s and should haves. I’d let myself grieve then pump myself back up and gear up for the next set of ridiculous unobtainables (yes I just made up that word)! NOT THIS YEAR! Instead I made a conscious decision to not take that long and contemplative look back. I was precariously close to the edge of the depression pit and I refused to waste a second more of my precious time. OK the truth is I came close to the reality of death being a real possibility with my kidney cancer in 2013. One would think I would have had one of those inspirational wake up calls and suddenly “turned my life around”. No, instead being the head banger I’ve always been, I continued in the latter half of 2014 to push the envelope. I started smoking again. I gave my one healthy kidney energy drinks and I repeated the same procrastinatie (so I like to make up words/shoot me!) habits regarding my gifts and passions. Which did indeed put me in that deep dark pit of self pity and doubt. I fought almost the whole month of December with “stinkin thinkin”. Condemning myself for squandering my time. Tying myself to the whipping post for not completing 1 book let alone 3. Yadda yadda! Then I began to self inquire. Why were some areas of my life, like losing 90 lbs 7 years ago easier then others? What was I doing in areas I felt successful in? What propelled that feeling of empowerment? How could I replicate that same process in the area of my dream to write books that encourage the world? All my musings led back to the bottom line of life.
WE CREATE EVERYTHING
OUR DAILY LIVES…….OUR RELATIONSHIPS…..OUR HEALTH…..OUR PASSIONS…..EVERYTHING
WITH OUR OWN MINDS.
IT BEGINS WITH HOW WE CHOOSE TO THINK!
Now my only goal for 2015 is to make every day fantabulous. It is definitely a work in progress. I still have quotes and positive affirmations all over my home. They help. Those along with positive music, my fitness routines, practicing yoga, meditation and breath work and of course, my walks in the woods. They comprise my defensive arsenal. It is who I’ve evolved into and what I recognize is worthy of guarding. I want to learn this year to stay in that high vibrational frequency. Which has led me to “capture every thought” (yep that’s Word, imagine that) and decide if it warrants being in my mind. If it’s not positive, complimentary to my self esteem, or affirming to my passions and dreams, it has to go! One of many bracelets I wear which are significant to me is one I acquired at an Andy Dooley “Vibration Activation” seminar. It states; “STOP CANCEL CLEAR GET THE FEAR OUT OF HERE”. When one of those “intruding thoughts” comes into my mind, I’m trying to remember to snap that bracelet, interrupt that stinkin thought and replace it with what I do want to think. Whatever tool you choose will work if you DECIDE TO WORK IT! again IT ALL STARTS BETWEEN OUR EARS.
I was tickled to see similar blogging on this topic this morning at:
https://lindaswritingblog.wordpress.com/2015/01/08/i-got-skills/ check out Granonine, she’s sure to inspire you!
P.S. I have not been anywhere on my computer but here today and was only interrupted by feeding chickens and walking Duke in the woods. An interruption that always leaves me smiling!
P.P.S. Google Andy Dooley he’ll lift your spirits!
Drove home to blue skies and sunshine.
Yep it happened again tonight. Took the milk from the fridge, put it on the counter. Poured my cereal (only carb today)
into my mug and preceded to put the milk back in the fridge. Only to turn around to grab a mug full of dry cereal before even realizing what I’d done. Thus tonight’s title. I also find myself angry and frustrated at my man calling me “Flash” as yet another heat wave rushes from my body. Or chuckling when I forget completely what I was talking about; you know how men are! Ha! Maybe that was the point I was trying to make the other night when I said Men! Oh (realizing I’d totally lost the thought) then stood there for what seemed like forever until Roger laughed and mockingly said “Men O Pause” falling onto the couch in hysterics! Yeah, yeah, any woman familiar with the “Change of life” symptoms are probably laughing their asses off about now.
Well, actually I’m laughing too. Today anyway. The last 3 months I hadn’t been. I’ve been feeling like a train wreck. Scattered, mind murky and out of focus. My body doing all this weird shit. Sleeping disrupted. Face believing it is 15 again (only this time the zits I never had, found me). Going weeks feeling like I needed to cry without release. Only to spend the last 2 weeks emoting over freakin’ dog commercials.
But walking in our woods these last few days has helped me to slow down and get centered again. Nature is my favorite connection and reminder of our Universal source of energy. I am so thankful we have these 7 acres to roam about. I realized there have been many significant changes in our lives besides menopause
- my oldest son remarried after divorcing 6 months ago
- my youngest son left for CA, followed by my middle son (who lied to us for a year that he had terminal cancer)
- our youngest son (Roger’s son) is graduating this year and we’re struggling with the reality of the completely empty nest
- I went from a full time/excellent paying job to part time at 1/2 pay
- we’re still adjusting to the financial fall out to that decision
- I’d been feeling so displaced, unnecessary, helpless to my grown children
- and did I mention resistance, yes futile resistance to processes I cannot control
- and lastly let’s throw in 2 months of holiday stress
So I decided to go back to disciplines that I know work in my life. Daily exercise. Reading more, less media. Yoga and mindful breathing. Lots of H20, swimming. Laughing out loud with Roger; how blessed I am to have such a comical supporter as my mate! Doing the 3 day cleanse, reminding my body and emotions who exactly is running my life…NOT THEM! And the biggie…may I have a drum roll please!!!!!!!!! I’m beginning to embrace the changes in my reality! No more glaring at them. No more whining or kicking and pleading. Hell! I’m even beyond a side hug with a pat on the back accepting them.
I decided today I’m gonna welcome every change with a bear hug. Hugs are awesome! Think I’ll go hug up with that man Oh ….pause, that’s TMI. But hey when DAY 361 Documentation goes so well and progress is made I can have some fun! At least there won’t be any babies…..just 3 minutes, a big fan, 2 trips to pee later in the night and sweet ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
One of the major accomplishments for me today was refraining from negative self-talk regarding not blogging yesterday.
I am recognizing this bad vibe which comes over me when I don’t achieve “whatever”. It is a tightening, an anxiety, a feeling of “less than” and now when it begins I tell it to take a hike. I made so much progress today even with Roger, my boyfriend being home as well. You ladies know how it is when your man is around. Our focus often wanders or we chose not to do what we would in their absence. Today was awesome. We did various house chores on our own, took breaks together and worked together on a few. I rearranged a few areas and have 3 bags for Goodwill.I just about completed my vision/quote wall and am prepared for my dear friend Lady’s visit in the morning.We are entering into an accountability adventure and are both extremely excited. I’ve always preached to my children the old adage:
“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail”. Imagine my self disgust when I realized that’s exactly what I’d been doing the last 3 months.
I may not have my full “Plan” written out; however I am making positive changes and steps towards my dreams each day.
I have not had a cigarette since New Year’s Eve
I have officially (ok its official after I go to bed) made it through 3 days of a liquid only cleanse diet.
I walked further with Duke today and once again spent time out in the woods. I wrote in my journal. I’m posting another blog and beginning to feel a good write coming on, other then simple documentation.
The best part is I’m feeling joyful again. Winter is so not my season. I’m a Summer all the way. Yet I’m discovering that if I get outside in my woods, even in the cold and grey, I emerge happy 🙂
Today’s Steps Forward:
- Recognized that staying up past midnight and waking at 8am leaves me groggy all day. Thus I’ll be in bed after this post.
- Did my morning Yoga DVD and discovered the fitness room carpet HAS to be cleaned!
- Walked Duke further then yesterday with very little pain in my knee.
- Got my new planner book set up.
- Sent out thank you notes (which is my kickoff to more intimate communication with my loved ones)
- Spent 40 minutes meditating/dreaming in our woods; aiming for a daily occurrence in any weather
- Said goodbye to my son Josh and his lady who head back to CA tomorrow
- Didn’t accomplish enough on my day off……HOWEVER I choose to focus instead on the good vibes generated and remind myself that a little progress each and every day makes dreams reality.