Believing in Everything I AM Nurtures Greatness

Archive for February, 2014

Aside

Weeble Nation

We are a weeble nation

one that doesn’t quit.

We may be weird to others,

but we don’t give a shit.

 

We know Whose we are

and we know who to call.

It’s why we can get up

and smile when we fall.

 

Although far from perfect

a nation we are one.

Each unique in their greatness

Together, the powers’ just begun.

 

For we are dreamers and seekers

we won’t stand for less.

Speak out, create and stimulatefamily pole

the world we want to bless.

 

For others want to know

why it is we can go on.

At peace within the storms

our legacy when we’re gone.

 

We embrace each moment

knowing all we have is now

our destinies rush in

Our willingness proceeds the how.

 

For weebles wobble

and yes they fall. Then

rise up, shoulders back

and scale every wall.

 

We are a weeble nation

one that gives a shit

about being our genuine selves

and dreams that never quit.

Tessa Rue 2-3-14

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Birds, Birthdays and Bad News

 

Opening my kitchen blinds this morning I was greeted by a red bellied woodpecker hopping up and down our tree. Down and up to the feeder checking for the hard cracked corn bar usually stuck on the platform. Then he’d look toward the windows as if to say, “Hey! Where’s the grub?” Then I spied a red cardinal in the branch above him as if Mother Nature knew I needed to see my favorite colored winged friends today.  Two brilliant creatures beginning their day amidst the ominous winter sky and naked branches. A storm is expected and they were searching for sustenance. “I’m sorry my friends,” I sadly said. “Bird feed is a luxury I just can’t justify right now.” As I stared out at all our empty feeders and the expanse of yard now completely void of my beautiful birds the tears started to swell close to the surface. The Universe was attempting to speak. Rapidly removing my body and raw emotions from the view; I placed imaginary plugs in my ears. “Resistance is futile” now resonated in my head. The Universe, using the medium of Mother Nature had painted me the picture. The parallels were obvious.  And I knew it was time.  I must accept reality.

In the last month I too have been hopping from one website to another, desperately trying to find some remedy or cure. “Hey God! Where’s the answer?” was my plea.  Ever the positivity path finder, I meditated, I prayed and I walked. A lot.  But there is nothing positive within denial.  “Mom! I know you and Clayton believe for a miracle and I have hope too; but not telling your family or pretending it’s not real doesn’t make it go away! You need to accept the facts so we can prepare for the inevitable.” Ah yes, my daughter jack slapping me into reality! We have come full circle and time keeps ticking in the backdrop of our lives.

Truth is I’m struggling to face yet another storm but recognize my personal necessity for sustenance.  My spirit has been starved of essential nutrients like peace and truth; feasting on large doses of avoidance and dread. And to survive these next storms and this desolation my emotions are experiencing, I must simply let it Be.

To just “Be” is ever so painless and unchallenging when circumstances are peachy. Oh one could live and relive those moments.  But let the landscape become barren, eyes unable to recognize any beauty and the very thought of “being” there is unfathomable.  So I have been doing instead of being.  Doing, well -anything…always moving never still.  Wound up enough so that when days end arrives I could immediately fall out.  Avoiding those quiet moments before drifting off.  Purposeful like my birds.  While I love to watch and identify them, calling each by name; their sole purpose is survival.  So when backyard feeders are empty they find sustenance elsewhere.  They purposefully avoid barren places and they survive.  Well I have purposefully been emaciating my spirit thus barrenness and desolation my result.  So today I will BE in the midst of the bad news, the facts, and the reality that is this moment.  I will breathe in and out as I purposefully allow each emotion to wash over and right on out of me.  I will weep and wail once more, possibly pound my fists or stomp my feet. Then I will announce it; speak it out to those who will lift us up in prayer thus embracing its reality.

Happy Birthday

Our son, Clayton, 25 years old today, was recently diagnosed with cardiac sarcoma, a rare form of heart cancer.  Just after my kidney surgery in October, he told us he went to the doctor because he was having panic attacks and heaviness in his chest.  He also frequently felt out of breath.  They confirmed his panic attacks are a form of PTSD from Afghanistan.  At that time they did a series of labs/scans of his heart and full body.  They discovered (what follows is from the web but exactly what they described to him):

Cardiac angiosarcomas that occur on the pericardium (the thin sac that surrounds the heart) can cause increased fluid inside the sac. If enough fluid accumulates within the pericardial sac, the heart’s ability to pump blood is affected. Some signs of this occurrence may include chest pain, shortness of breath, fatigue, and palpitations.

He was also told that when he has a panic attack, it thins his blood causing:

Tiny pieces (emboli) of cardiac sarcomas may break off and travel through the bloodstream to other parts of the body.  Emboli can affect the brain (causing a stroke), the lungs (causing respiratory distress), and/or other organs and body parts.

He was told the cancer had already spread to his lungs.

Now all of us were extremely skeptical of his “story”.  Clayton has always been an embellisher, our grandiose thinker, our drama queen.  We all love him but we all know him.  He was also very emotionless and nonchalant about this disclosure.  When asked about treatment options, details of the visit or his next appointment he was very vague.  He told us, “It’ll all be alright.”  We conferred as a family and since he is an adult and we couldn’t “check the facts” we concluded he just needed some extra attention since he and his wife had recently separated.  We were all incredulous about it thinking it would be forgotten and chalked up as another “good one” by Clayton.

Three weeks ago today (January 22) I took him to a series of appointments at the VA hospital.  Not only was his diagnosis confirmed, it was concluded he has 10 months to a year left to live.

Breathe in….breathe out

We believe he was actually told more and has chosen not to share it, much like Roger’s Dad did with his illness.  He is adamant about not spending his last days hooked up to tubes and wires. I immediately began researching and calling Vanderbilt to try to get him a referral and was shut down. He asked me to “let him handle it in his own way” and to “please respect his wishes”.

I am, we all are, completely devastated.  How can this be happening to our family? We have no history of cancer in our family! How can I, back in September, discover blood in my urine, get diagnosed with kidney cancer have it removed in October and be cancer free; to have this happen to my son ½ my age????

Clayton is currently on a short road trip with a friend, visiting friends in VA, SC, NC and GA. He is taking a prescription to help ease any panic attacks, which will help prolong his life he was told.  I take him back to the VA in the next couple of weeks for tests and a counseling appointment.

As if that wasn’t enough…..

Roger has been experiencing pressure in his throat, difficulty swallowing and some pain. He says he feels like something is stuck in his esophagus, which is not a good sign.  We both completely quit smoking 3 months ago but Roger had been smoking for 32 years.  He goes to the doctor this Friday.

I will keep you all posted and would ask if you can understand, just for now, if we corresponded via e-mail as I have difficulty keeping it together verbally right now. And please pray, light a candle and send positive vibrations our direction.

There, I have released the truth of this day into the atmosphere.

Returning from a 4 mile walk in freezing rain, I realize I am calm. Spent, but ever so gratefully at peace.  While I walked I was mindful of birds flying/singing, dogs barking, the wind blowing my wet hair, people driving by smiling /waving, a farmer giving his cattle some feed. Life still occurring in the crappiest of weather.  Trees swaying, bending not breaking.  Landscape of naked trees, proudly displaying strong boughs able to weather storms.  Intently I listen as the cold breeze speaks and the rain stings my neck.  I realize I’m smiling and there is spring in my steps.  Duke, our Alaskan malamute, leading me home and I acknowledge with gratitude the ministry of creation; like the balm of Gilead for my aching soul.  I can’t control anything except my thoughts, but I CAN use diligence and fiercely guard my heart. Everyone wants to rule their world, but to just BE is far more peaceful J

My spirit is again lifted up and I recall the verse, “yet will I praise Thee, even in the night”. All will be well in my world. All IS well in my world. And so it is. And so I let it BE!

Arriving back in our yard, I pause before going up the steps….

Twirling and swaying like my tree friends for even though today it’s freezing,

I’m still dancing in the rain.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_lqzYouDFM&playnext=1&list=ALYL4kY05133rY4WuwmFut4oj5jm6iB2jJ

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TODAY’S PERSONAL PEP TALK

I WILL NOT be moved!

Struggles WILL come and ARE eminent. I AM…..

1Strongwoman able to stand thru storms.

1Strongwoman able to move with the universe’s flow, refusing the upstream struggle of the sheeples.

1Strongwoman able to sit in circumstances with JOY and wait patiently with FULL and living hope.

1Strongwoman who knows that without hope you can’t make it through a day.

1 Strongwoman who knows that all things work together for good, to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

1Strongwoman who has been on a life long journey for the significance found in being my genuine self

1Strongwoman who will find a path with the help and encouragement of others

1Strongwoman who will not allow discouragement or nay-saying to prevent me from bettering myself

1Strongwoman who has been through enough rough patches, dark tunnels, slippery slopes, pits of depression, financial fiascos, and spiritual battles to know beyond the shadow of a doubt; that circumstances are temporary, there is light at the end of every tunnel, slippery slopes lead to learning curves and I have guns big enough to work my way up outta each and every pit!

1Strongwoman able because the spirit of the universe lives in me!

1Strongwoman able because “greater is HE that is in me” than anyone in this world telling me “I can’t!”

Because this

1Strongwoman knows God is able to do, exceedingly, abundantly far above ALL I could ask or think.

1Strongwoman who does NOT have can’t in her vocabulary. The word doesn’t compute. Don’t tell me I can’t do something!

For this

1Strongwoman can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.

I fully understand and in all reality, I am right now, embracing the actuality that struggle and hardship are great signs of confirmation. “Where there is no struggle there is no progress”. When I have Your spirit so rise up in me and give me a word; I am always challenged. And when I have courage to follow (and I always obey sooner or later) in spite of all that occurs surrounding the original golden arrow…well greatness happens. Walls move, barriers are identified and dissolved. And my resolve and grit have to pump up and in turn just like my biceps, they get stronger. I thank the universe, for revealing the spirit in me which apparently I’ve left dormant. It rose up out of my mouth like a mama bear protecting her cubs and I couldn’t type fast enough. All the voices shouting in my head; finances, finding a job, disease trying to rob me of my son and now my boyfriend, what if…what if until “Back to hell” I shout aloud! No it won’t be easy. But there is a price for every valuable experience.

I’m grateful that this day’s struggles have brought me back to my word, my quote, my name, the backdrop of my life…..one I’ve repeated over and over, my retort to each challenge fear or weakness for it is my pass code, my cord to the Power source. My reminder of who I am and how You fill me up to overflowing. 1Strongwoman! Yes that IS me 🙂my bicep tat

Aside

My I AM’s

These are my daily I AM’s, hung above my shower, blown up unto six separate posters. I recite them each day. Some of them are currently true. Some of them are in progress. Some I speak aloud until I believe them myself (like being a directional wizard while wishing my GPS would work in Wal-mart!). ALL help me replace the negative thoughts I continually battle and remind me I AM 1Strongwoman!

Who Am I? Why Am I Here? What Am I Supposed To Do?

I AM God.

I AM divine and majestic just like my Creator.

I AM lovely, loving and lovable.

I AM strong.

I AM light and luminous.

I AM a writer.

I AM full of creative ideas whose time has come.

I AM the mind of God.

I AM an encourager.

I AM joy and laughter.

I AM prosperous.

I AM a dream catcher.

I AM full of hope.

I AM no longer afraid.

I AM beautiful and full of positive energy.

I AM a spokesperson for all oppressed women.

I AM called to spread a word of truth.

I AM entering into my destiny.

I AM unstoppable.

I AM free of condemnation.

I AM no longer affected by the good opinions of others.

I AM a thought provoker.

I AM a beacon of hope.

I AM genuine.

I AM on the road to success.

I AM a success.

I AM an excellent story teller.

I AM able to pay all my bills and creditors.

I AM able to do and go where ever I desire.

I AM a public speaker.

I AM a frequent guest of Oprah and Ellen.

I AM able to do, exceedingly, abundantly, far above all I could ever ask or think according to the power that works within me. And it IS working.

I AM excited with my life.

I AM finally recognizing my purpose here on earth.

I AM an unconventional speaker of truth.

I AM the voice of women who long to be set free.

I AM free to be the woman I was meant to be.

I AM not ashamed of my thoughts.

I AM not ashamed of my beliefs.

I AM not going to be silenced.

I AM here to let women know they are perfect just the way they are.

I AM to announce sexual freedom and identity freedom.

I AM to expose the lies of the media, the propaganda regarding body type, opinions of others,

and strike down the “they” voices!

I AM Terri Haynes aka Tessa Ruth and my voice will be heard.

I AM like Moses called to set captives free.

I AM fearless.

I AM a word warrior!

I AM a writer par excellence!

I AM woman hear me roar.

I AM a co-creator with God and the full embodiment of Him.

I AM no longer distracted by my circumstances.

I AM disciplined.

I AM able to concentrate on the task at hand.

I AM an excellent time manager.

I AM a directional wizard

I AM healthy and pain free.

I AM free of all addictions.

I AM one who lays down at night fulfilled, in peace.

I AM one who joyfully awakes full of anticipation.

I AM diligent and accomplish all my goals.

I AM proud to be who I AM.

I AM an excellent friend.

I AM a giver.

I AM a good listener.

I AM a lifelong learner.

I AM a communicator who loves all people.

I AM changing every day.

I AM a joyous traveler on an adventurous journey.

I AM a positive influence on Roger, our children, grandchildren and our friends.

I AM a smile seeker and smile creator.

I AM a world changer.

I AM wise and full of Truth.

I AM compassionate and full of understanding.

I AM patient with others and myself.

I AM a positivity pathfinder.

I AM a trailblazer.

I AM a dirty little freak within my covenent bed.

I AM loyal, trustworthy and faithful.

I AM the fluffy black sheep my siblings love

I AM genuine and honest with others, myself and God.

I AM full of consistency.

I AM a hard worker.

I AM surrounded by positive energy and an aura of love is my companion.

I AM love.

I AM a shining example of femininity and sexual energy.

I am Free to be all I was meant to be.

AND SO IT IS

AND SO I LET IT BE!

Aside

Visions Dancing in My Head

Visions Dancing in My Head

I am laying motionless and relaxed.  My body is a dead weight free from all tension.  I listen to my breathing. Slow and steady, in and out in and out the breaths flow. Breathing in all good, exhaling out from my body all negativity.  I am surrounded by letters floating all around me. They fill the spaces around me.  I let them freely sway up and down, side to side, free as birds.  I’m smiling enjoying their presence.  As they move they begin to gather and cluster together. One by one they unite forming words. Now words; big words, small words, nouns, verbs and adjectives, lots of adjectives are swaying and flowing in the air space which surrounds my body.  The words are now joined by punctuations entering in a banner like stream. One by one they enlarge to show themselves present. The period just IS. Shows up and then done matter of fact and moves on. The comma pauses ever so slightly then makes way for the question mark who blinks and multiples itself repeatedly for a few seconds. Then he to moves to allow semicolon and quotations to parade by my face.  The colon pops out with a balloon effect. One two boom.  The dash simply dashes along like a puppy. The dot dot dot explodes and then just waits in mid air.  Ahh yes then the finale comes as the exclamation mark slowly comes in and grows broader, thicker growing growing until….Wham the point is placed BOOm! And I laugh aloud.  Now my words are swimming around stirring each other up, stirring, formulating, creating, stewing.  The words begin to form phrases, sentences and paragraphs. Each perfectly chosen, each exquisitely placed. My relaxed body breathes deeply as my head opens up to expose my working brain.  The words are scurrying now like a whirlwind, swirling around, swirling around forming a cylinder tighter tighter until it looks like a cocoon all snug and safe.  The cocoon turns itself all around as if to show me all the words are perfectly spaced and protected.  I take a big breath in and the cocoon floats slowly and gently into my head and as my head once again closes itself my breathing slows and I peacefully rest. Just rest.  Then a sense of anticipation begins to build in my toes and works up my legs and flutters in my belly. My hands and arms are wide open as if receiving a special gift. My chest swells and my shoulders square up as my head takes note of the withdrawal about to occur.  My fingers are now rapidly moving and butterflies are emerging all around me. Beautiful, significant, unique, colorful, full of life energy fluttering and giving my face kisses.  I clearly see them enter the computer screen and as they do they turn into words. Pages and pages of words, spilling out of the printer. Page after page; until on my desk, standing upright is my book with a gleaming cover jacket with the perfect title. And there at the bottom in bold clear letters it reads by Tessa Ruth.

My First Blog

A slow purposeful exhalation of negativity follows my deep burdened inhale. A wave of relief swells in the center of my being availing a glimmer of the rush to come. The warmth of peace free falls through my veins to the edges of my fingertips and toes. Peace so powerful it cannot be contained, flows through me and enters the water then embraces the earth. Unites with the sun, entwines with the clouds and kisses the sky. We are one, interconnected, gliding in harmony. The flow is intense. It cleanses and clarifies; encourages and applauds. It validates and secures. It affirms and charges. It’s “I CAN DO ANYTHING” power. And for a nano second, I can. I’m aware of a joy filled smile on my face and involuntarily laugh aloud. Until suddenly a wave brings water up my nose and poof it’s gone. Once again I’m cold and feel like I’m drowning. The battle of my thoughts resumes.
Oh but right there, in that moment I understood. I got it, the pure simplicity of it all. I’m here to simply BE. Yes BE I said! BE my genuine self. The “no one else like me” , “weird to others but I don’t give a shit” kind of genuine self. Genuine enough with myself to recognize my dreams lie within my passions.
And suddenly I’m hearing John Lennon singing “Imagine all the people, living life in peace”
As utopian it seems, if we could learn to BE ourselves and live in the NOW it is possible.
Check out my thoughts . Put em in your hopper and let em percolate.

If each individual was their true self,
which is why we are here, our purpose.. which is to contribute our uniqueness to the universe in which ALL flows together
and pursued their personal passions;
contributing to others using our personal giftedness instead of allowing the world,the government, corporations or individuals dictate what we’re “supposed to do or be”
they would experience ultimate peace, and
by no longer denying the very essence of your personal being, thus alleviating the pressure of conformity, they are free to be and contribute to the universe which reciprocates with a vocation utilizing their passion. And I believe
individual peace leads to world peace.
You see, I can only speak for myself and share my experiences. I have found that my true freedom is coming as I reconcile with my genuine self. I’m learning to BE and trying to stay in the the now.
And this blog is yet another step towards pursuing my passion. To encourage and stimulate others with my life journey via the written word and eventually motivational speaking.
So bear with me as I navigate my way on this site and begin to document The Journey of 1Strong Woman learning to BE in the NOW.

  • Future Topics/Entries will include
  • My I AM list
  • Resurrecting the Art of Submission
  • Looking Up the Nose of Condescension
  • Weeble Nation
  • 2 Months and Cancer Free Why I Feel so Guilty
  • Mother Nature Speaks /Freedom 101
  • Yaks, Guns and Zip-lines
  • The Chicken Project
  • 1 Cool Gramie and her 8 Gbs
  • Visions Dancing in My Head
  • Ireland is Too Far From Home
  • Ya Got to Have Friends! Do You Now??
  • The Walking School
  • I will also be Chronicling the Reality of my son’s cardiac sarcoma cancer diagnosis we just received in November.

SO until we meet again….
Think for yourself!
Explore. Conversate (as in leave me a comment)
Dare to leave doubts and fears behind.
Discover who you are and face yourself.

Peace Check out my thoughts . Put em in your hopper and let em percolate.

Peace
Check out my thoughts . Put em in your hopper and let em percolate.

Forgive, comfort and embrace yourself.
Fall in love with who you BE!
Create a new world pouring out
the deep hues and rich passions which are yours alone.
And our lives will be rich inside and out and peace will reign.
And so it is and so we let it be!

Much thanks and props go out to The Daily Post for the 1000 Word Challenge, the use of the beautiful picture and if giving me the kick start to my 1st Blog 🙂